I'm obviously staying on theme with this fire thread so I'll just lean in. I wrote about the painful erasing burn, but there is fire that is completely regenerating.
The first time he texted me, I nearly dropped my phone overboard. My cheeks were burning like I’d been caught red handed doing… well all the things he suggested he would like to do to me the first time he got me behind closed doors. I couldn’t stop smiling but was also embarrassed to look at my own phone, but also staring at it, willing it to “ping” with a response.
The first time he asked me to tell him what I wanted him to do to me and what I wanted to do to him, I froze. I was a twice married 44-year-old woman historically sexually adventurous and craved physical intimacy with my partners. I had been left in the cold to survive on spicy romance novels as my only sexual outlet for most of the prior two years. I even fantasized, and toyed around with writing one of my own.
But then when the opportunity to text out my fantasy from the anonymity of long distance and a phone screen arose, I was shaky and blushing like teenager. After I got the nerve to “say” exactly what I wanted- had been wanting for God knows how long, I tossed my phone on the floor face down, pulse pounding in my ears like I had just done something a lot more dramatic than send a naughty text. I doubt it was even a very good response.
Over the past year, my life had become a daily exercise in self-re-discovery, and I had been working to be very intentional about the process, but until the moment, “tell me what you like. Be specific” popped up on my phone, it had never occurred to me that I was also free to rediscover and reclaim myself sexually.
I spent a fair amount of time over thinking it, partly because it’s just what I do, and well, there is something about sitting on a boat staring at the water that makes for good self-reflection.
When was the last time I was asked what I wanted? When was the last time I really wanted someone new? God, how many years had it been since I had a “first” with a new person???? More than all that, when was the last time I was able to share what I wanted with my partner without fear of their reaction?
For years I had been with someone who, if I asked for anything other than what he as offering, (in the bedroom or otherwise), I had to weigh the cost of the emotional response my request was likely to elicit and if it was worth it. How would he feel about my feelings? How bad did I really want what I wanted?
I hadn’t even realized how often I censored my needs and desires for the sake of someone else’s feelings. I think that is one reason that his eventual betrayal seemed even more betrayal-ey. Now I’m grateful for the lesson but then, I was pretty pissed. And horny and too terrified of relationships or dating again to do anything about it. I spent a lot of the summer as the living embodiment of hot and bothered.
Eventually, with the help of a few friends and therapy, someone got through my head that normal people were afraid of dating because of fear of rejection and I was afraid I’d accidentally end up in a relationship. Which was ….weird.
It would still be months before I finally jumped back in the dating pool. Well, jumped is a strong word but, whatever, I got in and I have to say it’s been at least 98% great and only 2% weird but 0% bad. So WIN!
Now, if I’m asked what I want, I say it and claim it shamelessly. If I have no idea… I claim that too and am excited for the suggestions. The best part – if anyone throws even a hint of guilt or shame my way for being me and being honest - the hottest thing about me will be the cartoon style smoke trail I leave running the other direction!
My original muse never became more than just that, but I am forever grateful and the memory of the heat radiating off the phone that summer will warm my heart for a long time.
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